You Can Only Push So Far
by Big J Bonk
Summary: Takes place after chapter 17 of Ex Machina. Sniper sees fit to take advantage of Mal's timidity, but it comes to bite him in the ass when the Scoutbot proves to be surprisingly crafty. Rated T for language. Oneshot.


**This story takes place between chapters 17 and 18 of Ex Machina. If you haven't read up to that point, then I implore you to go do that now, because this will offer little to no context beyond that. I wouldn't want you to be confused.**

* * *

Mal decided that it was not at all okay with Sniper's behavior.

Ever since it had gotten there, Engineer was constantly bickering with the bushman, trying to reason with him and show him that the Scoutbot wasn't planning to kill them all. The Texan always told Mal not to worry, that Sniper would eventually warm up to it. It would just take a little time. And yet, it had been weeks since it had been brought into the base, and Sniper seemed ever persistent in expressing his blatant dislike for the robot. If anything, it seemed to get worse over time. Mal basically gave up the hope that he was ever going to accept it.

Sniper's attitude climaxed when Mal thought it would be nice and offer him an egg in one last attempt to gain his favor. And how had that effort been repaid? With probably one of the worst insults that he could have thrown at the Scoutbot. He said that it was just a robot built to serve people, like that was all that it was good for.

The reason it hurt was because, well, it was true. Hadn't Mal been built to act on Gray's every whim? Usually all that entailed was that it would have to fight on his behalf, and almost assuredly be destroyed. But for Mal and a select group of others, that would have been too easy. No, they were tasked with being bodyguards, scouts, errand bots. Go do this, go do that, take that one to the Mecha Engineers downstairs. They had no choice but to serve him.

But Mal no longer had those restrictions. Becoming a bomb carrier was one of the best things that had ever happened to it, because now it didn't have to follow those strict rules. There were some things it was and wasn't allowed to do in the mercenaries' care, but at least it probably wasn't going to be scrapped for parts if it misbehaved. It would get scolded, sometimes locked in the workshop, but it had to do something truly bad to deserve that, like, say, swearing almost nonstop at a guy it wasn't even angry with. Otherwise, it was allowed to do just about anything it wanted, so long as it didn't pose some sort of inconvenience.

And then Sniper... Sniper had to go and say something like that. Mal was surprised at how worked up it could get over something as trivial as that, especially knowing he'd said it just to get a rise out of it, but it got so angry thinking about it, warnings kept popping up telling it that it was at risk of overheating. Mal may have been built to serve, but that didn't mean that it was _meant_ to.

So why, exactly, was it at his every beck and call all of a sudden?

"What's that for, Mal?"

The Scoutbot jumped, nearly dropping the can of beer in its hands. It quickly turned to the source of the voice, finding Engineer with his hands on his hips, a brow arched underneath his hardhat. After taking a moment to compose itself, it replied, "Sniper... want."

"And the man couldn't get it himself?" The Texan asked.

"Yeah. Coulda."

Engineer was silent for a moment, his face set in a thoughtful frown. "Well, I gotta say, that's awful generous of ya, considerin' what happened the other day. Did ya even wanna do that?"

Mal tilted its head, staring at the drink in its hands. "...No."

"Then why're ya gettin' beers for him?"

The robot had to think for a moment to come up with a way to answer. It finally answered with, "I dunno."

And it was true. Mal couldn't say for sure what compelled it to listen to the Aussie. It figured that it had to do with its programming. Even if it didn't want to do things for him, it still found comfort in having something to do for someone, whether it be because it wanted to, or because it was being bossed around. That just made it even more infuriating.

"You know you don't have to do what he says, right?" Engineer was saying.

"Yeah," Mal replied.

Engineer quietly worked his jaw, wondering if he should say anything. He decided against it. He didn't think Mal was going to change its mind, and if it did, it knew who to come and talk to. So in the end, he shrugged. "You let me know if he keeps doin' this, ya hear?" Mal nodded, which seemed to satisfy the Texan. With a quick nod, he walked off, probably to work on that fuel system he promised. It was coming along.

Mal went through the side door, since it couldn't always ask someone to open the front for it. The terrain was a bit rougher going around the back on that side, but being a robot designed to move around just about anywhere, it was able to get through with little trouble. It made its way to the camper van and knocked a few times to get the Aussie's attention.

After waiting a few minutes, Sniper finally decided to open the door, frowning bitterly. "Wot took you so long?" He asked shortly. Mal glared, but didn't offer an answer. "You'd better not make me repeat myself."

"Hardhat," Mal finally bit out. The can made a creaking noise as the robot's hand tightened around it. Mal held it out before it ended up puncturing the can and making Sniper even more upset. The bushman took the dented drink from the Scoutbot and closed the door in its face. Mal made a big show of kicking the dirt and pulling at the brim of its hat- a bizarre display- and stomped back into the base without receiving so much as a "thank you."

And situations like that just kept on happening. For the next few days, Sniper roamed around as he pleased, casually ordering Mal around, sometimes making it get food, other times threatening it into doing or saying bizarre and potentially humiliating things. Pyro once walked in on the poor robot doing a handstand against the wall while singing a terrible rendition of "It's Not Unusual." Sadly, the firebug didn't realize that it was being forced into doing something so belittling, and ended up skipping off while humming the song. Needless to say, Mal was pissed off, especially since Sniper always waited until Engineer was in the workshop to do anything particularly humiliating.

Mal was absolutely finished with Sniper's bullshit, and it was going to handle the situation on its own. This was fucking personal.

It could easily just stop doing what the bushman demanded of it, but what would that prove? It wasn't as if Sniper couldn't make his own damn eggs. It's just that he never did in the first place. Nothing would change, and Mal still wouldn't be getting any respect. It would have to do something more drastic to get his attention.

The robot decided to make its move the next day, when Sniper ordered it to make him a sandwich. And oh, boy, was it going to make him a sandwich. It was going to make _exactly_ what he asked for, every last thing.

Mal had seen the mercs make enough sandwiches that it knew how to make one itself. It pulled out two slices of bread, taking the heels and turning them inwards. No one ate the heels, so it figured that everyone would be pretty happy that they would be used up. Then, it pulled out the lettuce, laying down a leaf or two. Then came the cheese. Mal had no idea which was which, so it selected a white cheese with some sort of bluish stuff in it and put it in the sandwich.

Then, it thought maliciously that maybe Sniper would like a beer. It rummaged through the fridge until it found the silver can. It pulled harshly on the tag, and it came off with a _pop,_ spraying frothy yellow-brown fizz everywhere. Mal poured a small amount over the cheese, then hid the can in the fridge.

What else did Sniper like? Well, as much as he denied it, he sure seemed to like Mal's eggs. You could put eggs on a sandwich, right? Engineer once fried an egg and squished it between two slices of toast. That was sort of a sandwich. Mind made up, Mal opened the fridge again, finding the carton and pulling out one egg. It didn't bother with the stove, or even a pan. It just centered the egg on the sandwich, and pressed down on the sandwich with the remaining heel with a hard _whack!_ The result was a sandwich that oozed just a little at the sides, but it looked like a proper sandwich.

 _There's an egg for you, asshole._

So let's see. Sniper had said that he'd be watching out for more robots again, so he was probably on his usual roof. So Mal convinced Soldier to let it outside and headed towards the battlefield, occasionally checking to make sure that the sandwich wasn't becoming soggy. Sure enough, Mal could just see Sniper's hat from the stairs. Deciding to have a bit of fun, the Scoutbot stomped one foot as hard as it could on the creaky floorboard.

Sniper's reaction was priceless. He jumped about a foot in the air, firing a round into the dirt below. He whipped around and pointed the rifle, completely forgetting to reload it. Mal loudly guffawed and laughed at his expense. It only laughed louder when the flustered Aussie let out an impressive stream of curses and slurs that Scout would a have a hard time topping.

Finally, Sniper regained some composure, placing another bullet in the chamber before setting the gun to his side. "Come off it, it ain't funny. Ya wanna get shot or somethin'?"

Mal shook its head, reigning in its laughter, and calmly offered the plate. "Here. Sandwiches."

Sniper frowned, taking the offered plate. "Gettin' _awful_ cocky, mate." Mal acted like it was looking over the edge of the roof, while Sniper took his first bite. He immediately spat it out, almost before he could even taste it, making a hilarious noise that encouraged Mal to look over. The bushman peeled the sandwich open, finding soggy bread and a raw, runny egg, shell and all. "You... little... _bugger..._ "

Mal couldn't help it; it started laughing all over again. "If ya didn't want stupid freakin' crap, ya shoulda _said_ somethin'!" A kukri just narrowly missed its face, and it took off running. "Oh shit!"

Mal was able to safely make it back into the base, but damn, Sniper could really run when he didn't have an awkward rifle strapped to his back. Taking refuge in Engineer's bedroom, Mal locked the door and decided that maybe it would be best to wait out Sniper's anger. It was scared as hell, but _God_ was it satisfying to see the look on his face!

Mal ended up waiting several hours before it was forced to leave the bedroom. It heard a key in a lock, as well as some muttering, before the door swung open, revealing a simmering Engineer.

"Malakai, mind tellin' me what you did?"

Oh, damn. Engineer was mad. Well, it was better to confess. The Texan was an excellent lie detector. "Eggs... and... drink... in... sandwiches."

"Why?"

Oh, finally, Engineer would realize what Sniper had been doing. "Sniper... was... a jerk," it answered confidently.

"That ain't no reason to put a raw egg in the man's sandwich," Engineer snapped, making Mal jolt in surprise. "He had to get tested for salmonella 'cause of that!"

"What?!" Mal exclaimed. There was _no way_ it was in the wrong for this, no way! "Wanna... know... what... Sniper... said?"

"I don't give a damn. Two wrongs don't make a right, and how bad the wrong is don't matter. So what you're gonna do is go out there and apologize to him."

"Uhh, _no!_ " Mal hissed, dimming its eyes.

"Malakai," Engineer said in a warning tone. Crossing its arms, the robot gave a very Scout-like huff before storming out of the bedroom. Engineer followed, closing the door behind him.

Mal found Sniper in, of course, the kitchen. He had a deep frown on his face, his arms stubbornly crossed as Medic all but hovered over his shoulder. The Aussie didn't seem to be armed, which was nice. Mal honestly thought that he would have tried to kill it for sure.

"I think Mal has somethin' it would like to say," Engineer said for the Scoutbot, giving it a nudge. It turned its head to briefly glare at him, but it took the last few steps without further prompting.

"I'm sorry," said Mal. Engineer rolled his hand to say "go on." "I'm sorry... for... drink... and... eggs."

"Oh, you're sorry, are ya?" Sniper challenged. "For almost poisonin' me to death? Sorry's just a word. I know ya don't mean it."

"Sniper..." Engineer warned.

"UUhh, no!" Mal shot back. "It's Not Unusual! Remember? Said... shit!"

"I don't know wot you're talkin' about," the bushman lied through his teeth. Mal had had just about enough of it.

"Sniper! You're... a jerk! A dick! Fucker!"

There were a few "oohs" from the crowd, and someone started chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" It was just as well, because Sniper was reaching for a weapon he didn't have. Even though he was unarmed, he charged forwards, opting to push Mal. The robot staggered back, briefly stunned, and then pushed him back.

"Both of you, knock it off!" Engineer shouted. He went completely ignored as Sniper and Mal started grappling each other, with Scout pulling on the robot and Medic pulling on the Aussie. With a mighty roar, Soldier charged right into the middle of it, separating the two before randomly swinging his fists like a tornado. One lucky hit completely knocked Sniper out. Engineer was able to restrain the American just as Mal escaped from Scout's grip. Eyes flaring, it drew back one powerful leg, swinging at Sniper's unconscious body-

" _MALAKAI!_ "

The leg stopped just inches short of Sniper. Mal, standing on one leg, jerked back, having to place its raised leg on the ground to regain its balance. Its eyes still bright, it glanced back and forth between Sniper and Engineer, slowly shrinking in on itself.

"I'm... I'm sorry... Please... Don't... Don't dismanter'n me, I'm sorry, _please-_ "

"Mah workshop. _Right now._ " Without a word, Mal slunk down the hallway, keeping its eyes behind it but making eye contact with no one. Everyone, sans Sniper, stared after it, honestly quite stunned.

"Rr mrr Grrrrrrb," Pyro hummed from the corner of the room.

After that, Mal got a reprimand like you wouldn't believe, and was confined to the workshop for a week with no refills. Sniper got a very similar treatment, with the exception of an obligation to occasionally come out and fight. But if there was any good to come out of the whole ordeal, Sniper had learned that you could only push a sentient robot so far before it pushed back.


End file.
